Relationship

It always amazes me when I meet someone filled with so much life and the willingness to be great; what amazes me more is the people I feel something for instantly without the deep conversations or any exchange of words. This is how I feel about Magnolia. This isn’t the actual name of the person but when I wrote my first poem in the process of trying to understand my feelings I called them a magnolia tree. 

I never saw one until I moved to Greensboro for school and I never felt that way for someone also. A feeling hit me hard in my chest knocking the wind out of me when I wasn’t even looking for anything. I was in awe and that way Magnolia moved and smiled as if the world was perfect and laughing hard and loving truthfully made this possible. I must admit that I yearned to be their friend but as the semester began we did not hang out much. I fell for an egg and left the flower to wither. They could see my yearning for light but I was in a place that seemed right. Soon after the egg over boiled and I was left clinging to the roots of the magnolia tree. 

I eventually learned how to climb :) I’m still a part of the tree but I have moved myself to the tinniest branch and the weakest of them all. I feel like I’m clinging on for dear life and there are no leaves to catch me at the bottom of my fall. I know what I am feeling, I know what my heart wants but I wonder if this is what it needs. 

Above all, I have never felt so guiltless for the way I feel and ho I am with someone. This take space without words. This Magnolia has shown me in so many ways how to release the buds of my soul and be, but my heart is still heavy. 

Failure

In  times of silence I think really hard to myself, the most constant thought is how it would feel to fail while at my vocation. I know what I want to achieve at the end of my first bridge in order to gather the pieces for the next one. I’m afraid, just like everyone else but they aren’t speaking so I’m even more afraid to be the first one to say so.

After constant nights staying up and contemplating I have come to the conclusion that there is no structure in my life and this is the way I function. I used to think that I pondered on the future way too much for a adolescent girl. Not like why does the world look like green and blue or how are my sense connected to my memory. Hardcore thinking (maybe not for the rest of you) like where are the aliens, I know they exist. Does the world end or do we (the human race)? I’m so sparatic that I don’t remeber the reason for writing this post. This forgetful lap is the beauty in my though and who I am. I’m still afraid to fall short of my own expectations but I have a plan for that. ;-)

P.S. I’m starting to blog about things I’m feeling as opposed to stopping in and making a promise to be more committed to blogging extensive amounts of info in one visit. Next week I may reveal why heart is still heavy. This is good. :) 

Friendship bracelt and a letter

Tie me onto your wrist

Take me everywhere you wish to go

I am not afraid of traveling roads with you

I give you permission to sweat, shower, and wipe your tears with my thousand threads

If I unravel in the midst of your confusion lay me in a safe place

The same place you keep objects without wings waiting to be born again

I have a rampant midnight spur of the moment words of confusion for you to decipher

I mean all that I say

I hope you feel what I mean

I won’t lay myself down with you and whisper in your ear at the same time

I want to take all the time I can get with you

I am afraid there will not be enough for us

I choose to give you these gifts separately

I have realized that

when things get hectic in school I stop posting. In some ways I guess this is good but the summer is almost here. I just finished my last final and can’t wait to get home. The greatest part about this time of the year is imagining the taste of my mother’s cooking. Lost of poems to come this some along with pictures of the powerful people I will be working with.